03 September 2010

Moving On

I think I have failed. There's a book called 'Dare to Fail'. Well, I did not dare to fail! Since the day that I made me think that I have failed, many thoughts came to my mind. I was looking for an absolute answer. When you are such in a state where it is very hard to control between your emotions and brain, the heart will always win. I kept questioning myself "Why me? Why not those who bla bla bla?" when my heart won over my brain, although my brain says "Just accept it, Allah knows best". Well, when Hari Raya is getting near, it gets worse. I'm not suppose to celebrate Raya actually according to my early plan. But Allah has a better plan for me, but I don't know what it is. Argh, this post is a result of endless loneliness! When your friends are all away, you really really feel it! Amin, I'm not running away from my problems now and it is very very hard to overcome them. Why is it hard for me to express my feelings in front of others? Why I keep saying " Aku tak dok mende la, aku ok je" while in fact my pillow will be wet that night? Argh, I hate these feelings. Shame. Guilt. Feel Stupid. Sad. Hate. Revenge!
It's my fault actually. I think I had enough preparations while I did not. My heart said you worked too hard, you are too scared to fail. The thing that you scared so much is happening to you. Amin, when you are not here, I need you here. When you are here, I will be okay in front of you because I will say I'm okay... Is there any course where you can train yourself to speak from your heart? I'm sad. It's not normal if I'm not sad. This happens to you when you have too much ambitions. I want to move on.

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